


The Best Thing Since Ducks

by clarityhiding



Series: The Best Thing Since [1]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Young Veins
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, F/M, M/M, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-19
Updated: 2008-07-19
Packaged: 2017-10-22 01:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/232245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clarityhiding/pseuds/clarityhiding
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon really loves his band. Unfortunately, they all have amazing, hot boyfriends. AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Best Thing Since Ducks

**Author's Note:**

> **belle_bing:** i am looking at this picture which is jon and cassie and ryan and keltie  
>  **belle_bing:** ryan and keltie are both wearing black jeans and keltie is wearing his scarf.  
>  **belle_bing:** jon and cassie are both wearing jeans and flipflops IN THE RAIN  
>  **belle_bing:** it makes me laugh  
>  **clarityhiding:** :O Female versions of them!  
>  **clarityhiding:** *imagines AU where Keltie and Cassie are the ones in a band and Ryan and Jon are the nonband ones*  
>  **belle_bing:** but that makes me sad as brendon has no one. D:  
>  **clarityhiding:** Clearly Brendon is the boy in the band.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** Yeah, no. Never happened. Totally fictional and fake.
> 
>  **Notes:** When I first learned of genderswap, I might've thought it meant something like this? And then I read some genderswap fic and I was a little disappointed, alas.
> 
> Much love for belle_bing, who beta'd this, saved Brendon from hotpants, and is pretty much to blame for the whole concept. Also for fragilistikal, who encouraged me lots and gave me ideas when I was stuck. I kind of love them both to bits :D

Brendon really, really loves his band. They are seriously the most wonderful people he knows, and he loves them without reservation and all that shit. He doesn't know where he'd be without them. They are the best of friends, and the four of them stay up late and snicker over boys and things and it is _so much fun_. Sure, sometimes Brendon feels like a fourteen-year-old girl, but he's kind of always felt like a fourteen-year-old girl, and anyway? Some of those girls have fabulous fashion sense. _Score_.

Of course, the unfortunate thing about being in a band with three of the most amazing people ever is the fact that Brendon must also deal with their equally amazing boyfriends. Not that Brendon dislikes their boyfriends or anything. Far from it, in fact. It's just that, well. He thinks it's unfair that here he is, the lead singer for a rock band on the rise, and he is the only one in his band who doesn't have a boyfriend, let alone a really, really hot one like the rest of his band does. It makes Brendon pout and sulk and then the girls have to give him cuddles and love to cheer him up again. Which is not so bad, really, because while the boyfriends are smoking hot, the girls are soft and nice to snuggle with. Also, the guys in the all-male bands are totally jealous of Brendon and want to be him which, okay, is pretty damned awesome. Brendon spends a lot of his time preening. The girls roll their eyes but don't say anything—they think Brendon's adorable and they have a good time indulging him.

And alright, alright. Yes, sigh. He maybe totally has it bad for one of the girls' boyfriends, but whatever. It isn't as if Brendon is doing anything about his crush or anything. Sure, it's annoying because he can't talk about it at their girl nights, but it's okay, because Brendon loves his band. Being the single one isn't so bad, really! It is totally a-okay with Brendon.

The thing is.

The thing is that when you've got a bunch of females living in close proximity with one another on a constant basis, they tend to cycle together. Which means that there are some days when, despite the fact that Brendon's band loves him back just as much as he loves them, he is not welcome on the bus.

One day he is moping because he has been thrown off of his bus and Jon finds him and asks him what's wrong. Jon Walker is Cassie's childhood friend-turned-boyfriend, and now Jon techs for Brendon's band, which is cool. Personally, Brendon thinks Jon totally full of hot and _awesome_. "I have been exiled, Jon Walker! Exiled from my own bus on the grounds that I possess a Y chromosome," Brendon laments. Jon gives him hugs (JWalk hugs! Full of awesome! Brendon would totally be flailing with glee right now if his life weren't so _horribly tragic_ ) and tells him he can hang out with Jon and the other techs if he wants, and Brendon snuffles and buries his face in Jon's shirt (and okay, maybe he has a little bit of a crush on Jon, but hey, who doesn't?) and it is _wonderful_.

Brendon is secretly in awe of Keltie's boyfriend, Ryan Ross. This is because Ryan is, "An _English major_ , oh my god, Jon! I bet he has a really big brain and thinks deep, thinky thoughts and reads books about magical realism and people turning into giant bugs and shit. _Deep stuff_." A good number of the songs by Brendon's band have lyrics about fuzzy cute things like puppies and baby ducks and kittens and Spencer Smith, so Ryan Ross and his thinky brain are total foreign to Brendon. Sort of. He did read _The Awakening_ once back in high school, but it confused him and made him sad. Really, what's with the chick just up and _abandoning_ her kids in the end? Totally not on in Brendon's opinion. He explains this to Ryan Ross once, and Ryan Ross just sighs and rolls his eyes and says that it is a _metaphor_ , Urie, for the human condition. Brendon promptly steals Ryan's scarf and runs off snickering. Then he hides behind Haley, because Haley is AWESOME to hide behind and she always defends Brendon from pissy Ryan Rosses, seriously, Haley, you are the _best_.

"Urie. I know my name. You don't have to repeat the whole thing all the time," Ryan Ross tells him, and Brendon sighs and shakes his head because, really. _Really_. Like Brendon could deny the awesome that is Ryan Ross' name by only saying half of it! Ryan Ross raises an eyebrow, turns to Keltie, and jerks a thumb over his shoulder to point at Brendon. "Seriously, just, _what?_ Why do you three even bother with him?"

Keltie laughs and pats Ryan's cheek. "It's okay, hon. I understand that you're jealous of Brendon's natural exuberance and cuteness," she tells him, and all is well.

Sometimes, though. Sometimes Ryan Ross just goes too far. You see, he thinks Brendon is, well. A bit... special in the head. Lacking.

Keltie is appalled and more than a little embarrassed and ashamed of Ryan when he finally voices this opinion. Brendon goes quiet and still and looks at his lap and Haley and Cassie get stony looks on their faces and squeeze up close to Brendon on each side and put their arms around him and give him cuddles and pets and things. Meanwhile, Keltie hauls her jackass of a boyfriend outside and tells him off for being, "An insensitive jerk, honest to god, Ryan Ross, sometimes I wonder why the fuck I even put up with you!"

At times Ryan doesn't know when to quit. He rolls his eyes and says god, he doesn't see what the problem is—he just said what everyone was thinking. This upsets Keltie even more, and seriously she is _this close_ to slapping him across the face and possibly following that up with a wicked punch to his gut. "Brendon isn't an idiot, Ryan. Yes, he's excitable and energetic, and at times he's exceedingly silly, but he's not _stupid_. If he's anything, he's very bright and intelligent, which is more than can be said about _some_ socially inept dunderheads I could name," she snaps.

By this point Ryan knows he should drop it and go back inside and apologize to Brendon. He knows he should. But. "Keltie, he told the entire audience he wanted to have Cassie's boyfriend's babies," Ryan says. "There's something seriously wrong with that kid."

Keltie insists that yes, Brendon is kind of ridiculous on stage, but in case Ryan hasn't noticed, Brendon's also a _rock star_. That means he can totally get away with saying stuff like that.

(What Brendon said, specifically, was, "This next song is about Jon, one of our techs. Jon is pretty awesome—Cassie totally wants to have his babies."

"Damn straight I do," Cassie had gleefully said into her mic.

"To tell the truth, Jon is so full of awesome that _I_ want to have his babies," Brendon went on to confide to the crowd. Then he launched into a song about how Jon Walker is exactly like a kitten because he is cute and fuzzy and he sometimes purrs.)

Spencer Smith makes Brendon muffins as a sort of, "Sorry my best friend's a total jackass," gift. They are warm and yummy and Brendon shares them with everyone and anyone he can find, including Ryan Ross. "Here, Ryan Ross, have a yummy muffin," Brendon says cheerfully. "They are pumpkin muffins of the special Spencer Smith variety and thus extra delicious." Ryan is rather confused by this peace offering and unsure of what to make of it, but it would take a stronger man than him to turn down a special Spencer Smith muffin, so he takes one and mumbles a thank you. "You're welcome," Brendon chirps, settling down next to Ryan and fishing a muffin for himself out of his Tupperware box, happily munching away.

Ryan feels rather awkward about this. "Look. I'm, uh. Sorry about the other day," he mutters. "It was a shitty thing to say."

Brendon swallows and shrugs. "Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, Ross," he says. "I, for example, think that you're pretty dense sometimes and that you manage to put your foot in your mouth pretty frequently. I'm the first to admit that when Keltie started dating you, I thought she was making a big mistake, because, near as I could figure, you were a completely self-centered asshole. But Keltie really liked you, so I figured she must see something in you that I didn't see, and that I should put up with you for her sake." He drums his fingers on the top of his Tupperware and tilts his head to the side. "And you know what? I'm glad I did, because now that I know you better, I think I can see what she saw in you way back then." He gives Ryan a quiet, encouraging smile before taking another big bite out of his muffin.

"I mean, I still think you're a self-centered asshole," Brendon adds after he's swallowed the muffin in his mouth. "But that's totally your own fault."

Usually, the girls are far more responsible than Brendon is. They like to coddle him and pat him on the head, though they totally vetoed his vote that the band be named Fuzzy Cute Things. Instead, they ended up being called The Best Thing Since. The name came courtesy of Haley, who got tired of various different magazines declaring this or that band to be, "the best thing since ____." Haley figured that, should they ever get big, at least the magazines will never be able to use that line on them. When people mock their band name, Brendon sends Spencer Smith after them, as Spencer does not appreciate people disparaging his girlfriend's awesome ideas. Though Brendon likes Haley's name well enough, he was very sad the band was not called Fuzzy Cute Things. But the girls still let him write some of the songs, so everyone wins, kind of. Most of the songs about fuzzy cute things are by Brendon, though of the four songs about Spencer Smith, at least one and a half are by Haley, so.

Spencer doesn't always appreciate Brendon's musical stylings about his beard. Haley is kind of scared to tell Spencer that she's responsible for some of those songs. Brendon thinks she should because, "Seriously, Hales, _seriously_ —you wrote _songs_ about him, that is totally adorable romantic shit and stuff." She points out that he wrote songs about Spencer too, and Brendon laughs and says _duh_ , of course he has—it's _Spencer Smith_. (Brendon maybe has a little bit of a crush on Spencer as well as on Jon, but he will never admit it, _never_ , because Haley and her boyfriend can both be a little scary, so Brendon just... quietly stays out of Spencer Smith's way. Well, as quietly as he can.)

Really, Brendon doesn't mind the whole being single thing most of the time, because most of the time the only one of the boyfriends who is around a lot is Jon, and Jon is super awesome. But then there are the times when there's Jon _and_ Ryan Ross _and_ Spencer Smith, and all the girls are off doing couple things with their guys, and Brendon has the bus all to himself, and he can watch his movies at whatever volume he likes and no one will tell him to turn it down or say stuff like, "Can we maybe try watching it through to the end without you singing along for once, Brendon? Just once? Please?" or tell him no more caffeine and take his Red Bull away or _anything_.

The bus is very empty and lonely when it is just Brendon.

Brendon decides there is only one way to fix this problem! Thus, he invests in a teddy bear. The teddy is fuzzy! The teddy is cute! But it does not give Brendon cuddles like Jon and the girls do. It does not make Brendon tasty things to eat like Spencer Smith and the girls do. And it does not sigh and roll its eyes in exasperation like Ryan Ross and the girls do. All in all, Brendon finds his teddy bear to be something of a disappointment.

"So," Brendon says one evening when they're having a Guy Bonding Night while the girls have Girl Bonding Night on the bus (i.e., they kicked the guys out so as to curl up with a movie and a couple quarts of double chocolate fudge brownie swirl). "So there's this guy I really like, only he's dating my best friend."

"Dude," Jon says consolingly, giving Brendon a hug, "that sucks." Brendon nods and snuggles closer to Jon, who gives him more hugs. Spencer gives him hugs from the other side, and yea, it is ever so much better than a silly old teddy bear, it is veritable _bliss_. Nearly. There are totally bits of Brendon that aren't getting hugged, and that is most tragic. He tries turning his puppy eyes on Ryan, who just gives him an odd look.

Finally, Jon sighs and says, "Ross, in case you missed the memo, that was the sign to initiate a group hug. Get your ass over here already."

"Guys," Ryan says slowly, looking first at Spencer, then at Jon. "You do realize he's talking about one of us, right?" Brendon blinks several times and widens his eyes slightly, silently willing Ryan Ross to follow his mental commands and participate in the group hug. "You're not fooling anyone, Urie," Ryan snaps, "you just look mentally deranged like that."

Spencer thinks for a moment, tilts his head to the side, and glances at Jon. "One of us? Huh." It's not a horribly surprising revelation, really—makes quite a bit of sense to both Spencer and Jon. Just... Well, they'd always figured Brendon had it bad for the girls, collectively.

Ryan finally gives in and joins their group cuddle. Out of pure curiosity, Jon asks, "Which one of us?"

"Yes," Brendon says firmly, happily snuggling his girls' boys. Ah, _bliss_. The only thing that could make this better would be if the girls were here too. And there was chocolate. And Disney. Brendon believes in chocolate and Disney.

They are still all curled up together when the girls eventually emerge from the bus and come looking for them. "What's all this?" Cassie asks, hands on her hips as she raises an eyebrow at their boys.

"Brendon apparently has inappropriate crushes on all of us," Jon says solemnly. "We're just giving him consolatory hugs, so you totally can't get jealous of him."

"You guys didn't already know about that?" asks Haley as she plops down in Spencer's lap and joins in on giving Brendon hugs.

"But, but— _secret_ crushes, Haley!" Brendon squeaks with wide eyes. He is clearly surprised to learn that the girls are not the least bit shocked by his inappropriate crushes on their boyfriends.

"Oh, hon," Keltie says affectionately as she wanders over and pets Brendon's hair. "You've never been one for stealth. It's okay, we know our boys are pretty amazing. We're fine with sharing them for cuddles if it's with you."

Brendon considers this. Cuddles are pretty awesome. Cuddles from any of his band, or from any of his band's boys, are inherently more awesome than any other kind of cuddles. It's not makeouts, but it's also not his band kicking him out because he has an inappropriate crush on their boyfriends. "Aw, you guys," he says, grabbing Keltie and Cassie and pulling them down into the growing people pile. "My band is kind of full of win."

"Well, yes," Keltie agrees. "Of course we are."

Much as Brendon loves his band, he is also oh so glad that Jon techs for The Best Thing Since, because it means that Jon is always there, even when Ryan and Spencer have gone back to school and aren't around to bother anymore. "If it weren't for you, Jon Walker, the estrogen in this band would eat me alive, I think," Brendon says quite seriously. "You are my best guy-friend _ever_."

In fact, Jon was actually Brendon's first guy-friend in Illinois after the Uries moved there from Nevada when Brendon was fourteen. He'd met Haley over the summer, because she lived next door and they'd ended up hanging out a lot, and once school had started, he'd met Cassie when they'd had the same science class. Cassie introduced Brendon to Jon and Brendon introduced Cassie and Jon to Haley, and the four of them had formed a band. A really small, messing-around band that wasn't really serious or anything, but that was a lot of fun. Hanging out all the time and playing music together had helped Jon and Cassie finally clue into the fact that they liked each other, and they started dating (much to Brendon and Haley's relief—you could cut the sexual tension with a knife). But then Cassie and Jon had graduated, and while Cassie had gone off to college nearby, Jon had been offered a chance to tour with The Academy Is..., and the rest of TBTS had told him to go for it, because they weren't that serious a band anyway, and they really couldn't fault Jon for wanting to tour with a _real band_ , so he'd gone.

After Brendon graduated, he'd ended up at the same school as Cassie, and they'd started reminiscing in class one day about how much fun they'd had as a band, and that it sucked that they didn't have a bassist anymore. Keltie, who'd had the same class, had overheard them and been all, "Hey, I play bass." Cassie and Brendon were like, "Win!" and they'd invited her to come play with them sometime. It turned out that not only was Keltie really good, she also had ideas for new songs and improving on their old songs and suddenly their music was sounding a lot better. By the time Jon came back, Keltie was firmly a part of TBTS and they were playing local gigs and stuff, even though Haley was still in high school.

Jon saw how Keltie clicked with the rest of the band and knew that it wouldn't exactly work for him to join back up, so he didn't try. At the same time, he thought what they were doing was awesome, and he mentioned to his friend Patrick how his girlfriend's band was doing some awesome stuff, Patrick should come hear them sometime. Patrick does, and he thinks The Best Thing Since is amazing, even though a good portion of their songs are about ducks and kittens and guys with beards. (There aren't any songs about Ryan, exactly, unless you count the peacock song, which is totally about him, though The Best Thing Since will deny it to their graves or something.) When Patrick asks about a CD and they have to admit that they, um, haven't really got one, he hooks them up and helps them produce their first album, (We Were Nearly) Fuzzy Cute Things. Astonishingly, it is really well received and the next thing The Best Thing Since knows, they have an actual contract and they're on tour and traveling all over the country—all over the _world_ —and random people outside the Chicago scene are actually listening to their music and best of all, best of all, Spencer Smith? They know all the lyrics to Spencer Smith's Beard Is Soft And Furry. _And they sing along._

Having such a sort-of long band name as they do, The Best Thing Since quickly gets shortened to TBTS, which the fans then smoosh and make into "tidbits." Jerks who want to make fun of the band call them "Tits 'n' Bits." Those who do so do not last long, however. Not after Spencer Smith catches wind of them doing it, at least. Spencer totally trolls the message boards for the express purpose of squashing such inappropriate behaviour—Spencer Smith is totally TBTS's number one fan. After Brendon. (Ryan, however, is the one who's actually secretly member number one of their official fan club. He really likes the music, especially the peacock song—it's so delightfully existential!)

The boys are very supportive of their girls and Brendon. It's kind of understood by them all after a while that if you date a member of TBTS, you are also dating Brendon Urie, in the sense that you are responsible for keeping Brendon in cuddles and happiness. Brendon's had enough tough shit to deal with in his life compared to the relative normality of the girls' quiet, suburban upbringings that his band feels he totally deserves more cuddles and happiness than the average Joe. Plus, Brendon's sort of adorable when he's happy.

Dating one of the girls from TBTS also means becoming a member of the Get Brendon Laid Club. Which, alright, is a pretty misleading name, since it's more about finding a boy who is acceptable and good enough for Brendon rather than just getting him laid, but the girls were pretty tipsy when they created the club, so they have an excuse. Kind of.

"If it makes you feel any better, think of it this way," Keltie explains to Ryan when he is first inducted into the club. "Brendon having a good boyfriend doesn't just mean a happy Brendon, it also means freeing up the rest of us to do more things on our own." At this point she snuggles up closer to Ryan's chest, all curled up on his lap, and yeah, Ryan can totally see the merits of doing such a thing. (He really needs to be convinced about the providing Brendon with cuddles and happiness clause—Ryan isn't exactly confident in his sexuality at times, and he really dreads that someone might think he isn't straight if they caught him snuggling with Brendon. Keltie eyes the flowery scarves her boyfriend has knotted around his neck, and sincerely tells him that she doesn't think anyone will assume he's gay just because he happens to cuddle Brendon now and then.)

The best thing about being an actual honest-to-god professional band isn't the shows, the money, the publicity, or the fans, Brendon thinks. The absolutely very best thing about being in a _real_ band is that they get to hang out with other real bands like Fall Out Boy, The Academy Is..., New London Fire, and Cobra Starship. TBTS is kind of in awe of Vicky-T. Or, rather, Haley and Brendon are. They like to hide in the shadows and admire her legs. "Wow," says Haley, "I wish I had legs like that."

Brendon nods vigorously. "Yeah, me too."

A few days later they come to Cassie and Keltie with a new song, Legs Three Miles High From Toe To Thigh. Cassie raises an eyebrow. "Have you two been spying on Vicky-T again?" she asks with a sigh. Honestly, these kids.

Haley and Brendon shift uncomfortably and refuse to meet Cassie's eyes. "No?"

Cassie has been very firm about Haley and Brendon not being allowed to go near the Cobra bus on their own, ever. "We are a wholesome band," she tells them sternly, "with wholesome songs about fuzzy things. We have a reputation to maintain, and besides, I don't trust Gabe to give you back undamaged when he's done."

Brendon finds the fact that Cassie calls them a "wholesome band" absolutely hilarious, as does Haley. "Cassie," he says very seriously, "if we're a wholesome band with wholesome songs, then you clearly haven't been paying attention to the songs Keltie's been writing."

Hearing her name mentioned, Keltie glances up and smiles at them. "I like the new song, but if you're going to write a song about Victoria, you should mention her awesome rack too."

"That's what I said!" Haley says, flopping down next to Keltie. "But Brendon said no, because of his whole fear of breasts and everything."

"You are not allowed to make fun of that, Haley," Brendon says with frown. "You are sworn to secrecy. I will totally tell Spencer Smith about the time you made out with half of TAI if you make fun of my perfectly rational uneasiness around bare female bits." Brendon has majorly fierce blackmailing skills that many people choose to believe don't exist because he is so sweet and innocent looking. "Besides, you should not call it a rack, that's derogatory," Brendon sniffs.

"Honey, I've got one too. I'm allowed to call Victoria's breasts a rack if I want to. It's a girl thing," Keltie says. Brendon doesn't think it's fair that the rest of his band gets to enjoy all the benefits of being girls, and he only gets the boring bits. Like having to watch out for Gabe Saporta because Cassie's afraid he might compromise Brendon's virtue.

"Personally, I vote with Keltie and Haley," says a voice from the door of the bus, and Brendon forgets how to breathe because right there is _Vicky-T_ and she might try to suck out his vital parts if he tries to move. "My rack is pretty awesome. You should totally put it in the song."

"I. What're you doing here?" Brendon squeaks.

"Keltie texted me. Thought I might like to give input." Vicky-T holds up her phone, and sure enough it says, _kids hv song about ur legs come see_. Keltie is clearly a traitor to her band, and Brendon no longer loves her. He goes to hide in Haley's bunk where no one will ever find him. He is so sneaky.

New London Fire is possibly Brendon's most favorite band of all time (after his own, natch), partly because they have fantastically fabulous music that always blows him away, but mostly because they have Bob Bryar, who is, as Haley is apt to point out (much to Spencer Smith's chagrin), "Fucking _awesome_."

There's also the added bonus that New London Fire is, like The Best Thing Since, nearly a girl band. Meaning that four out of five members are girls (well, women, really—the NLF females are _definitely_ curvier than those in TBTS ), though Jon maintains that both bands have equal estrogen-to-testosterone levels, despite the fact that NLF has four females to TBTS's three. It has something to do with Brendon's girliness and Bob's manliness, and Brendon doesn't pretend to understand it (he's pretty sure the comment would be an insult if it came from anyone other than Jon), but he does have to agree that Bob is pretty damned fierce. Also, almost-definitely tragically straight, but hey, it happens to the best of them.

Either way, NLF is awesome because they understand the troubles TBTS is having trying to get anywhere in a male-dominated scene. More importantly, they understand that interviewers can be jackasses about the fact that there's only one guy in an otherwise all-female band. Seriously, Brendon's started betting with Cassie on how long it'll take whatever journalist is interviewing them today to ask if he's fucking any or all of his band, which is seriously gross, because the girls are like his _sisters_. Brendon keeps meaning to ask Bob if he gets asked nasty questions like that, but he somehow gets all tongue-tied and can never quite figure out how to phrase the question, so it never happens.

"We're going to go hang with the NLF gals today and do girl-stuff," Haley tells Brendon one day as she tosses things into her purse. "You wanna come with?"

"Since when do I do girl-stuff?" Brendon asks her. He is kind of in denial of the fact that he is totally gay and keeps insisting he likes girls just as much as he does boys. It's part of his plan to appear more manly and awesome, more like Bob Bryar or Jon Walker. Brendon's band thinks this is pretty adorable; Brendon thinks they shouldn't pick on him as much as they do.

Haley gives him a disbelieving look that Brendon pretends not to see or understand. "Suit yourself," she says. Then adds, "You know, if you wanted to you could probably hang out with Bob and keep him company."

Brendon's mouth goes round. "I couldn't do that! Bob Bryar is pure awesome, Haley. He is just too much awesome for me to handle—I would be consumed in his awesomeness."

"We know all about you wanting to be consumed by Bob," Cassie calls from the other room. This is followed up by catcalls from Keltie, and Brendon snorts and rolls over on his bunk. He is not turning red with embarrassment, because what has he got to be embarrassed about? Nothing, that's what.

"Just for that, I am totally seducing Jon Walker with my sexy wiles when you go," Brendon shoots back. His sexy wiles are pretty spectacular, Greta always says so. Brendon loves Greta. She is like his female counterpart, only not. It's pretty sweet.

Brendon also thinks that Greta's Bob is pretty hot, though not as hot as Bob Bryar. Not that Brendon thinks about how hot Bob Bryar is much of at all, he just thinks this in the sense of aesthetic appreciation. Or something. Because Brendon has no reason to think of Bob Bryar as hot, as Bob is clearly completely straight. Clearly. Just look at him! Bob Bryar is nothing like any of the boyfriends. The boyfriends may have actual girlfriends, unlike Bob Bryar (and no, Brendon totally doesn't stalk Bob's private life or anything, geez), but they are much more approachable and, well, more in Brendon's league, girlfriends and all. Not that Brendon thinks about Bob like that. He is just seriously in awe of Bob's awesome skills at being Bob. That is all.

"You mean you'll be trying to milk Jon on how to seduce Bob with your wiles," Keltie teases as she wanders in and ruffles his hair. Brendon loves his band, seriously he does, he just wishes they didn't think he was all cute and adorable and shit. Well. He is, but he doesn't want Bob Bryar to know that. Bob is tough as nails and twice as hard and Brendon is going to become just as awesome as him one day. He has plans and everything!

"You are just jealous," Brendon says solemnly. "Jealous that I do not try and seduce you with my sexy wiles, Keltie Colleen. You wish you could have these wiles, but alas, you cannot."

"I dunno, man—she seemed pretty happy with Ryan's wiles last week," Haley smirks as she drapes herself over Keltie.

"Ryan was just trying to get at her scarf, I think," Brendon says. "He cannot help it. They are like fluttery sirens to him, all silky and alluring, beckoning him away from a world of pompous English literature and towards one of questionable fashion taste."

"I think Ryan's scarves are cute," Keltie pouts. "They make him happy, and they have the added bonus of providing protective coloration so I don't have to worry about any other girls trying to steal him away." This is totally what their days are like. They are possibly the most amicable band ever and it's kind of frightening. They've never really had a fight, and they have this odd tendency to swoon over each other's boyfriends, which is quite possibly a trait they all picked up from Brendon.

"Seriously, Brendon, you should hang out with Bob," Cassie says when she joins them. "Lyn's always saying how he feels all awkward and out of place because he doesn't really know anyone in our crowd aside from Patrick, who's pretty much stuck Pete-sitting, and because of the whole only-guy-in-the-band thing. You two could bond or something." No one is quite sure how NLF ended up touring with a bunch of Decaydance bands—something about inter-label bonding or some shit. Brendon just knows it means there is lots of Bob around, which he figures is pretty amazing, so he isn't complaining.

"But, Cassie!" Brendon wails, "Bob is fierce and manly while I am small and tiny. He could squish me with his thumb! It would be most unpleasant. Also, messy."

"Brendon Urie, are you telling me you're actually afraid of Bob Bryar?" Cassie asks, clearly amused by this news.

"Honey, Bob's a big sweetie—he wouldn't squish you," Haley says, sitting down on the edge of Brendon's bunk and petting his hair. "Well, not intentionally, at least. I think."

" _Squishing_ , Haley. What will you do when I am squished and you have no singer? You will be bereft!" Brendon insists.

"We'll get Ryan to sing. It'll be pretty awesome, though he might make us all wear matching scarves... that could get annoying and kitschy very, very quickly," Cassie says after some consideration. She is not a fan of matching outfits. Well, not overtly matching outfits. Subtle is much more her thing. _Tasteful_ matching.

This draws a snicker from Brendon. "I'd like to see Keltie and Ryan share a stage and get through a set without making out," he says. "They have a hard enough time doing it when he's just watching from the sides."

"This is true, little Urie. Very, very true," Haley says with a nod. Brendon does not know why she feels the need to call him little sometimes. He isn't small or anything, not really. He can't help it if Spencer Smith is taller than him! Haley is clearly spoiled.

"Anyway, we're off," Keltie says, leaning down to give Brendon a quick kiss on the forehead. "Be good now. If you knock Jon up while we're out, Cassie expects you to take full responsibility."

"Damn straight I do," Cassie says, grabbing Keltie's arm with a laugh on her way out of the bus.

Haley watches the other two go, staying a little longer, still petting Brendon's hair. "It's okay, Brendon. I think he'd like you if you weren't so in awe of him. You two probably have a lot in common beyond being the only boys in your bands."

Brendon rolls over to stare at Haley with large, soulful eyes. "Bob Bryar isn't a boy," he says a little mournfully. "He's a _man_. I want to be a man, Haley."

"Aw, sweets. Try growing some hair on your chest—I hear it helps."

Haley leaves, and Brendon totally doesn't kind of wish she'd stayed, because he's an adult, dammit, and he doesn't need anyone to look after him, or keep him company or anything like that. He's totally cool on his own. With his teddy bear. Who doesn't work, ugh. Brendon needs some Jon Walker, stat.

He rolls out of his bunk and makes his way to the door of the bus, intent on finding Jon, only when he gets it open, there is Bob fucking Bryar with hand raised as if he's about to knock. "Um. Hi," Brendon says like the suave guy that he is as he stares down at Bob. Bob has really blue eyes, Brendon thinks. Possibly bluer than Spencer's. It's kind of awesome. "Hi, so. Haley's not around. She went out. With, um. Your band, ha. And the rest of mine. Yeah." Haley and Bob sometimes get together and talk about... whatever it is drummers talk about, Brendon supposes. He does not pretend to understand them.

"Yeah, I know," Bob says. His lip ring is all shiny in the mid-afternoon sun and Brendon is totally not paying attention to Bob Bryar's mouth. Totally not.

"Oh," Brendon says, and he steps aside, since Bob seems determined to come up into the bus. "So. What's up?" Shit. Bob Bryar is on his bus and all Brendon has on are a pair of flannel pajama pants and a shirt he's pretty sure belongs to Cassie. It's kind of really messed up. Bob probably thinks Brendon's a total girl.

"The girls thought you might be lonely," Bob says with a shrug. "Said I might come over if I had nothing better to do. That okay with you?"

"Um, yes. _Yes_. Totally okay. Uh." Brendon fidgets, stares down at his toes. He thinks these pants might Haley's. They're pale pink and are printed with various different types of make-up—lipstick, rouge, eye shadow, nail polish, that kind of thing. Brendon's pretty sure he doesn't manage to look at all masculine in them, not the way Spencer Smith does when he wears them, at least. Brendon's life really sucks sometimes. "Um. Want to watch a movie?"

"Sure."

Yeah, Bob Bryar totally thinks Brendon's a girl. Ugh, why can't a convenient bolt of lightning just come and kill Brendon now? It would be ever so much better than this. "Score, we're totally watching _Milo and Otis_ , I've been wanting to watch that again for _ages_ ," is what he says when lighting fails to save him, because Brendon is smooth, oh so smooth.

"That's the one with the cat and dog, right? Sweet, baby animals are tight," Bob says, nodding his head. Brendon doesn't swoon a little inside.

He does, however, end up falling asleep on top of Bob in the back lounge. Brendon cannot help himself! The part where Milo and Otis find Joyce and Sandra and hole up for the winter always makes Brendon sleepy, and Bob is warm and cuddly and nothing like Brendon's teddy bear and everything like Bob and it's kind of perfect, really. It probably doesn't hurt that when Brendon slides down to lie half in Bob's lap, Bob starts combing his fingers through Brendon's hair, just like how Jon or the girls sometimes do. Brendon is conditioned to feel comfortable when people pet him! It is an automatic reflex.

When Brendon wakes later on, it's to footsteps and someone saying, "—the cutest thing ever, and I say this having seen Frank climb all over Bob like he's a jungle gym." Brendon mumbles something and nuzzles closer to his lovely warm pillow. Someone is petting his hair and it's kind of fabulous, Brendon thinks happily, because his pillow smells just like Bob Bryar, yay.

Someone laughs, and Brendon muzzily identifies it as Lyn-Z when she goes on to say, "Aww, look! Now he's smiling in his sleep. Seriously, you girls you package that shit and sell it to people, you'd make a fortune, he's fucking adorable."

Somewhere to Brendon's left, Cassie snorts, says, "We already do that, practically—why do you think he's our frontman? It isn't as if the rest of us can't sing perfectly well—" She goes on to say something more, but it's lost in an outbreak of loud, female laughter, and Brendon mewls and buries his face deeper into his pillow.

"Shh," someone murmurs from some place up above his head. "You don't want to wake up, they're just picking on you."

Brendon yawns and opens his eyes anyway, turning his head to stare sleepily upwards. "Whazza time?" he mumbles, smacking his lips. His eyes register a blurry smudge of yellow and pink and Brendon squints, frowning slightly.

"Little after four. I took off your glasses so you wouldn't break them," the smudge says, and yeah, that would explain why it's a smudge and not a person. Gradually becoming more aware as his brain gets back up to speed, Brendon identifies the smudge as Bob, and oh god he's suddenly very much awake, very much aware of the fact that he fell asleep on _Bob Bryar_ in the middle of a fucking kids' movie about kittens and puppies. Way to go with his big plan to not look like a girl in front of Bob. Sometimes Brendon kind of really hates himself.

"Um, thanks," Brendon says, sitting upright and rubbing the sleep crud out of his eyes. "Sorry I fell asleep on you. I'm a pretty shitty host," he mumbles, keeping his head ducked down and not looking at Bob, not looking at the cluster of women who're just now noticing that he's awake.

"It's okay," Bob starts to say, but before he can say any more, the females descend.

Jamia tugs Brendon up from the couch and hugs him, patting his head. Brendon has to bite his lips so that he doesn't whimper pathetically at the loss of his Bob-pillow, because that would give the girls veritable _months_ worth of teasing material. "Oh, poor baby," Jamia coos as she cuddles Brendon. "Did mean old Bob traumatize you by being big and scary? I hear there was some worry that you might end up accidentally squished."

Brendon turns very, very red. He doesn't want _Bob_ to know that he was afraid of getting squished! Bob probably thinks that Brendon thinks he's dangerous and violent and stuff now, and that's not the case at all! Sometimes girls are stupid. "No," Brendon mumbles, "we just watched _Milo and Otis_."

There's a snort from somewhere behind Jamia, and Lyn-Z raises an eyebrow. "Baby animals, Bryar? Really, what is the world coming to?"

Bob shrugs, apparently unfazed by his band's teasing. "Brendon wanted to watch it," he explains. He is clearly much tougher and more confident than Brendon to not be worried about what watching a movie about baby animals will do to his reputation. Brendon hides his face against Jamia's chest because it is nice and soft and also because he doesn't think he can stand looking at Bob face-to-face right now.

Eventually NLF leaves for their own bus, though, with Jamia kindly but firmly detaching Brendon, depositing him in the arms of his own band. "So?" Cassie asks, raising an eyebrow. "How did it go? Did you manage to use your sexy wiles on Bob?"

Flopping in Cassie's arms, Brendon moans. "Bob Bryar thinks I'm a total _girl_ ," he laments. "Why didn't you _tell_ me he was coming? You are all evil. I'm going to bed." Because he needs to sulk, dammit, and it is hard to sulk when the girls are all grinning at him all, all, well all _knowingly_ and shit. Evil girls. He runs off to hide in his bunk, because sulking and acting like a five-year-old is totally acceptable when Bob Bryar thinks you're a girl.

Even though Brendon has the curtain to his bunk drawn, which bus rules state means he gets to be left alone _no matter what_ , unless it sounds like he's having an epileptic fit or something, Haley pushes it to the side, and crawls in to lie next to Brendon. "Hey. Did you have a good time?" she asks, leaning her forehead against his. Haley is Brendon's best friend—she was the first friend he made when his family moved to Illinois, and she's pretty much full of the most amazing awesome ever, in Brendon's opinion.

"I fell asleep," Brendon says, staring down at his shirt. "I was wearing girl clothes and I made him watch a kids' movie and then I fell asleep on him and now Bob Bryar thinks I'm a total girl." Brendon's pretty sure his life was supposed to stop sucking this much when his band became a _real_ band with the magical help of Jon and Patrick. But apparently he was wrong and Brendon is just full of epic _lame_.

"Brendon," Haley says with a sigh. "You nearly always wear girl clothes, I don't think Bob thought any less of you just because the clothes you had on actually belongs to girls. And he looked pretty happy about being your pillow when we came back earlier." She presses a kiss to his forehead and gives Brendon a tight hug. "Sometimes you're a bit too hard on yourself, y'know? I think Bob really likes you."

"Yeah, but he doesn't _like_ me like me," Brendon mumbles, because he might deny up and down that he is crushing like mad on Bob Bryar when he's around the other girls, or even with himself, but this is Haley, and they always tell each other the truth when it's just the two of them, _always_.

"You don't know that for sure," Haley argues, bumping their noses together in an eskimo kiss. Eskimos kisses rock hardcore, Brendon thinks. He is really, really lucky that Spencer Smith lets him trade eskimo kisses with Haley. He used to eskimo kiss Keltie too, but Ryan saw once and he freaked out even though it's not like Brendon likes Keltie like _that_ , so now Brendon isn't allowed to eskimo kiss Keltie anymore. (Cassie, on the other hand, he is totally allowed to eskimo kiss, because Jon Walker is pure awesome. Even better is the fact that sometimes _Jon_ will give Brendon eskimo kisses! Has Brendon mentioned how much he loves that Jon is their tech and always there? Because he does. A lot.)

"I think," Haley says after a bit, "what you need is a plan of action. A plan of sexy action so as to figure out whether or not Bob Bryar has the hots for you."

There are reasons why Haley is Brendon's best friend and he loves her to bits. Her brilliant plans of action, for one! Unfortunately, this is clearly not one of her most brilliant plans. "Haley. That is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard," he tells her stubbornly, face set in a very determined frown. "It would never work. He'd think I was idiot and probably get really freaked out." Honestly, he's surprised at Haley for coming up with such a silly thing—usually she's much, much cleverer than this.

Brendon shifts slightly, glances at Haley again. "...what kind of sexy action did you have in mind, exactly?"

Haley's grin is slow and wicked, just the kind of grin Brendon likes best.

Watching _Milo and Otis_ makes Brendon want a kitten of his very own. He infiltrates NLF's bus, gives Krista a brilliant smile as he passes her, and promptly invades Bob's personal space by flopping across his lap. "Bob, Bob," Brendon says, kicking his feet against the couch, "I want a _kitten_. Jon has a kitten, Bob. Why don't I have one? I think this should be remedied, Bob." Brendon took the time to go ahead and follow Haley's advice and shimmy into the awesome black jeans he liberated from Keltie a few months back. They are sleek and stylish and don't have butterflies or rhinestones or glitter or any of the stuff that Brendon's jeans all have—practically boy jeans, really! He doubts they'll actually make any difference, though, seeing as how Bob is tragically straight and all.

Brendon is in awe of Bob's not-a-boy status, kind of. Also, Bob is like a combination of all the things Brendon likes about Jon and Ryan and Spencer! Bob has a beard, and drums, and pretty blue eyes, and knows stuff, and is nice and gee, wow. Bob, unfortunately, also seems bent on raining on Brendon's parade. "I don't think it would work very well to keep a kitten on a bus," he says, completely unperturbed by Brendon's sudden arrival. Which makes sense—Bob is rarely ruffled by anything. It is just one of the many things Brendon likes about him. "They're small and delicate and they take a lot of work and responsibility."

"I am totally the _king_ of responsibility," says Brendon in his most solemn and serious tone, because he is very responsible and serious, as he is a real adult. He can totally do this, no sweat. "Responsibility is my middle name. Well, not really. My middle name is Boyd, but it _could_ have been responsibility. If my parents had made it that."

"Brendon Boyd?" Bob smirks, lifting an eyebrow.

"You and I are totally name alliteration buddies, Bob Bryar. Spencer Smith and Ryan Ross have _nothing_ on us." The name alliteration thing is item number twenty-seven on Brendon's Why Brendon and Bob Are Meant For Each Other list. No one else knows of this list. It is top secret and scribbled out in a notebook that has dinosaurs on the cover that Brendon found in the back of his closet the last time they were in Chicago. The notebook now resides with all of Brendon's other top secret things, at the bottom of his dirty laundry bag. He keeps forgetting it's there and nearly washing it, but so far it has survived. Mostly.

"How come you guys never write songs about Ryan?" Bob asks, and he's doing that petting thing with Brendon's hair again, and it feels so very, very good, mmm...

Brendon stretches out happily in Bob's lap. Bob is amazingly fabulous at pets. Maybe Brendon doesn't want a kitten—if he had one, it would probably abandon him for Bob because Bob gives better pets, and that would be sad. "Because Ryan Ross is prissy and uppity and doesn't like it when we write songs about him," Brendon says sadly. Then he lowers his voice and sits up a bit so that his face is closer to Bob's, and says, "But I will tell you a secret—Keltie totally still writes songs about him, only she does it in metaphors and imagery and stuff so he never catches on."

Keltie is amazing and Brendon is sometimes not so secretly in awe of the way she has Ryan Ross wrapped around her little finger. Brendon's pretty sure that Ryan can't keep anything from Keltie, and that is probably why TBTS knows of Ryan and Spencer and Jon's Secret Plans to form their own band. (Plans which are not going so well, Brendon is given to understand—Jon wants to sing about cute fuzzy things, but Spencer and Ryan veto him all the time and then Jon sulks and doesn't talk to the other two for a good portion of TBTS's next tour. It is sad that people can't just all get along, Brendon thinks.)

Keltie's skinny black jeans don't really seem to do the trick, because Bob keeps petting Brendon's hair, and it feels sooo good that Brendon falls asleep on him. Again. Ugh. Brendon fails at Haley's plan of sexy action. That or it is just like Brendon said and Haley is totally wrong about Bob liking him. Or both. It's probably both, knowing Brendon's luck. Sigh.

Luckily, all is not lost—Haley has other brilliant plans! "Brendon," she says, eyes bright as she crawls into his bunk where he is sulking in the dark. "Brendon, remember what we did when Spencer acted like he only came to our shows because Ryan dragged him?" Spencer Smith, though not a pris like his best friend, was a bit of a jerk when Ryan first started making him come to TBTS's shows so as to hear his girlfriend's rocking band. And Spencer usually spent the entire night sulking in a corner or staring intently at Haley behind her kit, and none of them could figure out if it was because he liked Haley's playing, or lusted after her drums, or just plain lusted after Haley. Haley thought Spencer was pretty awesome, but it was rather hard to tell if he thought the same way, so Haley and Brendon had teamed up to write I Wish I Could Grow A Beard Like Spencer Smith's, which has awesome lyrics about not just beards, but also other things Haley likes about Spencer, like his eyes and his hair and the way he smiles. It was kind of scary how well their plan it worked—Spencer had been blushing bright pink when he came and found them after TBTS's set, and had even stuttered a little when he'd asked Haley out. Brendon thinks the whole thing was very romantic.

"You think we should write a song about Bob Bryar's beard? But Haley, we write songs about beards _all the time_. If we wrote a song about Bob, it would have to be about something extra special," Brendon says with a frown. Not that Bob's beard isn't extra special or anything, Brendon just wants any Bob songs he writes to be unique and different. Bob isn't like his bands' boyfriends, after all. He's just... Well. _Bob_.

"Well, it doesn't have to be about his beard if you don't want it to be," Haley says, "but remember what we always tell the boys? We write songs about them because we love them. So you should try writing a song about how much you like Bob, and why you like him, and what you like about him, and all that good stuff."

"But then everyone will _know_ I like him!" Brendon gasps, eyes huge. "Everyone! Not just you and Cassie and Keltie, but everyone who's listening! _Everyone!_ " Including Bob, which, god, has to be the worst part.

"Brendon. You sing about Spencer and Jon and Ryan all the time and nobody thinks you like them. Except for the slash fangirls, I mean. This isn't like when I sang I Wish I Could Grow A Beard Like Spencer Smith's that one time—you're our singer, you sing all our songs, and everyone knows that we all take turns writing them. You could... put in something that's a message just from you to him and then _he'll_ know you like him, but everyone else will just figure that Cassie or Keltie or I wrote it. Or that it's a joke." She smiles encouragingly and Brendon can't help but smile back. Haley is pure awesome. If Brendon wasn't so afraid of Spencer Smith, he would totally try and steal Haley away from him. Totally.

"Yeah, but." Brendon picks at a stray thread on his pillowcase, avoiding Haley's gaze. "But maybe I don't want him to know I like him? What if he doesn't like me back? Then things would be all awkward and he won't want to be around me and everything would be weird and I don't want that." He scratches his nose, eyes flicking up at Haley in a quick, furtive glance. "Anyway, Bob isn't like Spencer. Bob is all manly and shit, he likes manly things. Not silly romantic gestures." It totally makes sense that Spencer Smith liked Haley's romantic gesture of writing and then singing a song about him. Sure, Spencer is way more masculine than Brendon, but he also has hips, and he totally wears girl jeans. There is a world of difference between Spencer Smith and Bob Bryar in Brendon's mind.

Haley sighs. "God. Sometimes you are such a girl about things, Brendon Urie. He watched a movie about _baby animals_ with you. I think it's a safe bet that he wouldn't mind a song about his baby blues or something. If nothing else, he knows what our songs are like, so I really doubt he'd be insulted or embarrassed by anything we come up with, as long as it doesn't actually, y'know, insult him."

Brendon holds that when girls start calling you a girl, then you _know_ your gender is on shaky ground. "It will never work, Hales. Even if I get Keltie to help me write a song of pure awesome that is worthy of Bob Bryar, I'm still too much of a girl to do it justice. My singing the song would automatically cause its girliness factor to increase by, like, seventy percent. I am just not cool enough to sing about Bob." It's hard to admit it, but at least he's able to. Brendon is nothing but realistic about his shortcomings.

"...Brendon. You realize you're contradicting yourself, right?" Haley asks, drumming her fingers against the side of the bunk. "You don't want Bob to think you're a girl, so you try to act tough and dress like a boy—though, let it be noted that plain jeans are _not_ automatically boy jeans; it has to do with the way the fabric's cut, and how deep the pockets are. At the same time you keep insisting that your crush is doomed because Bob is straight. I'm sorry, but the way I see it, these two sentiments really seem to be working against one another."

"Hush, woman. Do not try to confuse me with your logic," Brendon grumps, pouting as he looks away from Haley.

Haley leaves and Brendon sulks some more. He doesn't want to admit that Haley's idea might be a good one, is trying to avoid thinking about that, but in the end he really can't think of a better plan. Thus, he seeks out Keltie and asks her for help, because while Brendon is the king of songs about cute fuzzy things, Keltie is the one to talk to for songs that have Deep Inner Meanings.

"All I've come up with so far are variations on Monty Python's Spam Song. So basically I'm thinking a Viking chorus singing 'Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob.' And, okay, Vikings are pretty damned manly and awesome, but I see two problems with this—one, where the hell are we going to find any Vikings? And two, it's way too silly for the emotions I wish to convey," Brendon explains to Keltie, idly kicking his feet under the table.

"Well, what aspects of Bob do you want to focus on?" Keltie asks. Just talking to Keltie makes Brendon feel better about this song already. Keltie uses fancy words that sound really smart and she can write really wonderful lyrics that are nothing like their silly songs about fuzzy cute things (though she's pretty good at those too).

"How awesome he is, of course. And the fact that he is a ninja. And that he drums like a mad drummer thing," Brendon says happily. "Hm. What else? Maybe his shiny lip ring? Only I don't to focus on the physical bits, because that sounds really superficial, and there is nothing superficial about what I feel for Bob Bryar. It is serious, Keltie Colleen, dead serious."

Frowning, Keltie leans back to study Brendon better. "You want to write a serious song. Brendon, have you ever _tried_ to write a serious song?"

"I can write serious songs! I know all about them. They have metaphors and imagery and are kind of obscure. I can totally do metaphors. Like... metaphors involving BB guns and being shot in the heart by Cupid's arrow or some other projectile and... this is why I don't write poetry. Ugh," Brendon groans, thunking his head on the table. The BB metaphor sounded so much cooler in his head. It made so much sense and was so awesome because it was BB, just like his and Bob's initials. B.B. are way nifty initials to have, Brendon thinks, because the Bs can stand for all kinds of stuff—best buddy, or bouncy ball, or bashful boy, or best beloved—the possibilities are endless! Also, also? BB? BrendonandBob. TRUFAX. Clearly a sign that they are meant to be!

Well. At least they're meant to be if Brendon ever actually writes a song and successfully woos Bob with his sexy wiles. Usually Brendon's sexy wiles are in top form, but whenever he's around Bob, they kind of just... fail. Failing is something that normally doesn't bother Brendon—when he fails, more often than not he makes it work for him, rather than against. Brendon is a master at turning failure around. But, it's different with Bob. With Bob, Brendon feels awkward and inadequate and he pretty much never does anything _but_ fail. And sleep, apparently.

Keltie suggests that, if Brendon is really worried about his Bob song being too girly, he might try asking Ryan for help, as Ryan is an English major and also a boy, but Brendon immediately nixes this idea. "Ryan Ross is awesome in many ways, but he does not think that much of me," he explains to Keltie. "Anyway, I'm not sure if Ryan really counts as much of a boy—he wears girl jeans just as much as I do, practically, and? _Scarves_. Seriously. Spencer Smith is much more of a boy than Ryan Ross, Keltie, and Spencer Smith has _hips_."

Cassie is quite clearly a logical choice as the next step on Brendon's quest to write the perfect Bob song, as she is dating Jon, and Jon is very much a boy. Therefore, Cassie _must_ know what kind of things boys like to hear in songs. Brendon snuggles up to Cassie and turns his big brown eyes on her and says, quite seriously, "Cassie. Help me write my epic ode to Bob Bryar?"

She smiles down at him and pets his hair, which is nice, but it doesn't feel as good as when Bob does it, because Bob combs his fingers through Brendon's hair, doesn't just pet the surface, and sometimes he scratches Brendon's scalp kind of lightly with his nails and it feels really, really good. Anyway. Cassie smiles and quirks an eyebrow. "Oh, is it epic now?"

Brendon nods. " _Epic_. Nothing less than epic would be able to properly do Bob Bryar justice." Which, duh—Cassie should totally know this without Brendon having to tell her, geez.

"Well, if it's epic now, I suppose I have to help. Keltie said you wanted a serious song?"

"Yes. Very serious. There is nothing silly about Bob Bryar and his awesome, so that means no songs about beards or kittens or _anything_." Brendon isn't so sure he can manage that, because, come on— _kittens_. Brendon is a bit of a sucker for kittens. Maybe if he does it right he can sneak one in and Bob'll be none the wiser. Hm. Something to consider, definitely. "You are clearly the ideal person to ask about this, as you are dating Jon, and Jon is very much a boy, unlike Ryan Ross. He wears _scarves_ , Cassie. _Women's_ scarves."

"Couldn't you ask Haley? Spencer Smith doesn't wear scarves, and don't you kind of worship him anyway?" Cassie asks.

"Yes, but Jon is even more of a boy than Spencer Smith—he wears boy jeans! Plus, Haley is not exactly the ideal person to ask for help with Serious Songs," Brendon concludes with a sharp nod. His logic is impeccable, particularly when Haley is not there to shoot holes in it.

"Wait, so you figure I'm the person to ask for advice on how to write your epic ode to Bob Bryar because I date Jon, who is, 'very much a boy'?" Cassie asks, her face serious, and see? See? _This_ is why Brendon likes Cassie. If he told Haley the same thing, she would totally laugh at him. Cassie, however, not only doesn't laugh, she doesn't even smirk. She takes Brendon seriously, just as she should. Cassie is full of awesome. Brendon seriously loves his band to bits.

"Yes, exactly."

"I'm sorry, hon, but I really don't think I'm the person to ask about this," Cassie says sadly. "I mean, Jon and I were apparently dating for nearly a year and we didn't even know it until someone pointed it out to us. Plus, I don't think our situation is really the same as yours at all, since I've known Jon for ages, and we pretty much knew straight-off that our attraction was mutual." She grimaces and gives Brendon a hug, rubbing his back gently. "Sorry, sweets."

Brendon sighs. Alas, he was afraid of this. He doesn't want to have to ask Jon or one of the other boyfriends for help, and he totally knows better than to ask someone in one of the other bands. He doesn't want the whole _world_ to know about his embarrassingly bad crush on Bob Bryar, after all. That would just be horrible. He's pretty sure he would never, ever live it down.

Sometimes Brendon wishes his band wasn't so damned understanding about stuff. If they teased him more (which, okay, it would be kind of hard to do, he supposes, because they tease him a lot, but he teases back, so it's all in good fun), he could justify feeling grumpy and sulking a lot. It is clear that if he wishes to get this song written, if he wants it to be just the way it's supposed to be, he's going to have to do it himself, on his own, because his band is of no use in this matter.

Unfortunately, serious songs are a lot more difficult than songs about fuzzy cute things, Brendon finds after some time. He tries and he tries, but he struggles over every line, every word, and he starts to lose track of time as he spends every free moment between shows and other responsibilities worrying over similes and metaphors. Eventually, missing his friend, Bob comes looking for Brendon. "Hey," Bob says, and Brendon scrabbles to close his dinosaur notebook, clutching it to his chest.

"Uh. Hey." That was close. It would totally not do for Bob Bryar to find Brendon doodling flowers and rainbows and hearts around 'BB + BB.' Really. (Has Brendon mentioned that sometimes he feels like a fourteen-year-old girl? Because right now he _really_ feels like one and it's kind of horrible.)

"Haven't seen you around lately," Bob says, sounding curious.

"Yeah. I've, um. Been working on a new song," Brendon says. "So... Busy."

"Takes a lot of effort, writing about fuzzy cute things?"

"Yes. Very serious work, you know. Takes a lot of thought and serious cogitation," Brendon says, trying to school his face into a look appropriate for his words and not all panicked and flighty. "It's not coming along quite right."

Bob suggests that, "Maybe you're working too hard on it. Might help to take a break, step back, and leave it alone for a while. Did you know there's some sort of county fair going on nearby?"

Brendon's eyes go all wide, and he's like, "Carnival rides! WIN!" He consumes loads of sugar and grease and they go down the big slide and ride on the bumper cars fourteen times in a row. And seven more times in between doing other things.

That evening Brendon is full of happy when he gets back. Keltie just looks at him, smirks, and asks, "I take it your date with Bryar went well?"

This rather shocks Brendon, as he had not known it was a date! It was just two friends hanging out! He tells Keltie this, babbling a bit, and she just rolls her eyes. "Did he pay the entry fee? And the ride tickets? And for the cotton candy? Totally a date, Urie," Haley says, smiling at him.

"But, but. I paid for the funnel cake!" Brendon wails, because he totally did. Bob had been busy waiting in line to get more ride tickets, and Brendon had slipped off to the funnel cake stand, and when he came back he pretended like he wasn't all that hungry after all and he let Bob eat most of it. He's so glad Krista took him to the side before they left and told him about Bob's weakness for funnel cake. Sometimes Brendon thinks Bob's band might actually be just as awesome as his own, even if they don't have any songs about cute fuzzy things.

"You just bought Bob funnel cake because Krista told you he really likes it. Still a date," Haley says, turning her attention back to her magazine.

"I have to agree with Haley and Keltie on this one," Cassie says from where she is snuggled up with Jon. They were probably doing adorably cute couple-y things before Brendon burst in, chattering away at a mile a minute about the bumper cars and the ponies and the wee little baby pigs, honestly, Haley, you should have seen them, they were so cute! We should totally do a song about piglets. Brendon spares a moment to glower at Cassie and Jon. It is not fair that they are all lovey-dovey and snuggly and he is still most tragically single. Never mind that they are two of his most favorite people in the universe, it is still unfair.

"Jon, Jon Walker, JWalk, my buddy, my pal," Brendon says, bouncing across the room and plastering himself against the side of Jon that Cassie isn't surgically attached to. "Two guys going to a fair and hanging out together is totally not a date, right? You and I do that kind of thing all the time, and it's never a date! It's just having fun, right? Right?"

"I dunno. If he paid for most everything, and he asked you, then I'm pretty sure it's a date," Jon says. Brendon supposes this is only to be expected.

"It is only to be expected that you would say that, Jon Walker. Worry not, I realize that in actuality you agree with me completely, but aloud you speak slanderous lies as you fear incurring the wrath of your lady-love, should you contradict her," Brendon says, patting Jon's arm in a consoling manner. If it were Ryan, Brendon would probably try to cop a feel a feel as well, because damn if Ryan Ross doesn't make the most interesting sounds when he thinks his sexuality is in jeopardy. Best of all is the fact that Keltie totally encourages Brendon in these instances, because she is an awesome friend as well as a diabolical mastermind. It is a wonder that Ryan Ross has yet to realize the full extent of his girlfriend's evil.

"Just to prove how wrong you all are, I shall go consult an expert in this matter," Brendon says to the room at large, clutching the stuffed duck Bob won for him earlier to his chest. He's named it Alfred. "I'll shall ask Bob himself and have him confirm the not-date status of our day at the fair."

"You do that, hon," Cassie says, smiling at him as she slips a hand under Jon's sweater, blatantly ignoring the, "no inappropriate touching of the boyfriends in common areas of the bus," rule that Brendon instated following the rather traumatizing experience of walking in on Haley and Spencer making out sans shirts one time. _Traumatizing_ , seriously—Spencer Smith nearly killed me with his _eyes_ , Jon, I swear to god, with his _eyes_. Brendon glares at Cassie's hand, and she raises an eyebrow, but makes no effort to remove it. Blatant disregard! Disgusting. Brendon flees for NLF's bus before anyone can start removing clothing. He doesn't need to be traumatized again.

NLF's bus is blessedly free of boyfriends and husbands and all that jazz, because the NLF ladies are way classy and they leave their boys at home. Because Brendon is king of stealth, he is easily able to sneak into foreign territory without anyone noticing his presence. Or at least he would have been able to do that if Lyn-Z and Jamia weren't hanging around outside their bus. "Hey," Brendon says, acting all cool and suave. NLF play very serious, awesome music that has nothing to do with fuzzy things at all, and Brendon's frequently left feeling like TBTS is a baby pop-band or something in comparison to NLF, and not just because of the vast age discrepancies between their members (except for Keltie, of course, who's, like, ancient or something).

"So. How'd your date with Bob go?" Jamia asks as she leers at Brendon. "Were there inappropriate shenanigans atop the ferris wheel? C'mon, Urie, spill—Bob never tells us anything."

Okay. Sometimes NLF really isn't even close to being as cool as Brendon's band. Brendon sticks out his tongue at Jamia and rolls his eyes, because he is just that mature. "It wasn't a date. We were just hanging out. Is Bob inside?"

"Yeah, he's doing, you know," Lyn-Z waves a hand vaguely. "Bob stuff." Brendon nods. There are times when Bob just feels the need to do Bob Stuff. Brendon doesn't understand it, but he respects it. Sometimes he just needs to do Brendon Stuff, so it's totally understandable. (Never mind that Brendon Stuff generally consists of his overdosing on a deadly combination of pixie sticks and Disney, parallels can still be drawn here.) "And it was totally a date, kid. He asked, he paid—definitely a date. If he says otherwise, you just let us know and we'll pound him into submission for you."

"Thanks, but I don't think that will be necessary," Brendon says in his most serious, adult voice as he backs towards the door of the bus, clutching Alfred a little tighter to his chest. He knows you don't turn your back on dangerous animals, it's just a bad idea.

Thankfully, Brendon knows that Jamia and Lyn-Z are the crazy members of NLF. The rest of the band are actually pretty normal, considering. Considering they're a band and all. Alicia smiles at Brendon as he passes by. "Did you have a nice time at the fair?"

"Yes!" he says with a grin. "Bob won me a duck! I have named him Alfred, because of the bow tie and all." Brendon had never seen a stuffed duck with a bow tie before Bob won Alfred for him. He'd like to think that this means Alfred is special and unique, but there were a lot of other ducks-in-bow ties hanging from the ceiling of the coconut shy, so he knows that this just isn't so.

Alicia nods as if this makes perfect sense. Brendon suppose it does—he's met some of the husbands and boyfriends of NLF. "That's a nice duck. I'm pretty sure gifts of ducks mean true love."

"It wasn't a date," Brendon says in a rush before Alicia can say it too. "It wasn't, so you can't say that. Anyway, he thinks I'm a big girl—he gave me a _duck_." He loves Alfred, honestly he does—Alfred is a gift from Bob! And a duck! But. Stuffed animals are what you give girls, even Brendon knows that. Therefore, Bob thinks he's a girl.

"Did you know," Alicia says, "that the word 'girl' comes from the Middle English 'girle,' which can mean a child of either sex, often a boy?"

Well, that's actually kind of reassuring... except for the fact that Brendon in no way wants Bob to think of him as a child. "I'm not a child," Brendon huffs, because he totally isn't. He is an _adult_ , capable of adult decisions! Really. Seriously. Never mind that Cassie's given him an one o'clock bedtime and he's not allowed to eat sweets after nine or drink coffee at all. Adult! Totally.

"Mm, but you _have_ got a stuffed duck. I think Bob's in his bunk, if you want him," Alicia says, dismissing Brendon with a wave of her hand.

"Right! Right. Yeah. Right. Duck. I'll just. Yeah. Bye!" Sometimes Alicia is a bit freaky too, giving random etymology lessons out of the blue. Brendon supposes it just sort of happens when you become a rockstar, the freaky. Unless you are Bob, in which case you just turn into pure awesome. And a ninja.

When Brendon wanders over to the bunks, he finds Bob lying on his back, reading some beat up paperback that's definitely seen better days. "Hey," Brendon says, a perfect portrait of casual cool. Bob will never suspect Brendon's crush, Brendon is so good at casual cool. It is both awesome and tragic at the same time.

Bob glances over, then puts his book to the side. He doesn't look the least bit surprised to seen Brendon, but that's to be expected, because Bob probably knew Brendon was coming over before Brendon himself even knew. Brendon sometimes thinks that "ninja skills" is a synonym for "practically precognitive psychic talents." It would explain a lot about the universe. "What's up?" Bob asks.

"Our bands think you took me on a date. You have to tell them you didn't or else they'll never let you live it down," Brendon tells Bob. Brendon knows that his band will never let him live it down no matter what, but it would be horrible if Bob's reputation as a manly tough guy was destroyed. HORRIBLE.

"Date?" Bob blinks and stares at Brendon, frowning slightly. "Are they picking on you?"

Brendon is totally an adult and he can handle some friendly teasing from the girls, honest he can. He really isn't bothered by their words one bit, isn't bothered at all. He also knows that if he says yes, then he will get Bob cuddles, which are possibly the best thing in the whole wide world. "Yes," Brendon says, hugging Alfred as he gives Bob puppy eyes. If Bob thinks Brendon's a girl anyway, using puppy eyes to gain cuddles can't hurt Brendon. Or so his logic tells him.

Sighing, Bob reaches out and pulls Brendon into his bunk. "Better?" he asks, and Brendon nods vigorously. Bob snuggles! Without even having to ask for them! WIN. "So," Bob says, and Brendon freezes, because why is Bob talking? He's supposed to snuggle Brendon and help him forget all about mean girls who insist on rubbing in the fact that Bob isn't interested in dating him. Not that Bob knows that's why the teasing was so upsetting, of course.

"So?" Brendon tries very hard to look serious, but then Bob starts rubbing his back and oh, that feels really good, Bob has until never to stop doing that. If Brendon wasn't so worried about things, he'd probably start purring (which totally sounds adorable when he does it, so Ryan Ross can just shut up, because it _so_ does not sound like puppies are being murdered by a psychopath when Brendon purrs).

"So, what makes you say it wasn't a date?" Bob asks.

"I. But. You're straight!" Brendon squeaks, completely jolted out of his pleasant, hazy, "mmm, backrubs," state of mind. Bob raises an eyebrow. "You're big and beard-y and all muscly and manly and. _Straight_ , Bob Bryar, not even a blip on the gaydar."

"That is called 'stereotyping,' I believe," Bob says. "It would be like my assuming that you're gay just because you wear girl clothes and purple hoodies."

Oh. Huh. Bob raises an excellent point. "You raise an excellent point, Bob Bryar," Brendon says very seriously, because he is trying very hard not to flail like a fourteen-year-old girl because _Bob took him on a date!_ And bought him a duck! Clearly this is True Love. "A very excellent point. Particularly seeing as how I am not gay, but bisexual."

"Brendon. I know all about your fear of breasts. There is no way you're bi," Bob says, and that is unfair and underhanded, because Brendon's band is sworn to secrecy about his irrational fear that he might accidentally witness their bare chests one of these days. _Sworn._

"Minor inconvenient detail. I'm working on it," Brendon mutters, pressing his face into his duck. "Also, totally irrelevant to the situation at hand," Brendon says after he feels his blush has cleared up enough that he can lift his face from Alfred in order to give Bob a stern look. "You took me on a date?"

"Usually when one person pays for everything—"

"—it's a date. Yeah, the girls said. You didn't answer my question though. It was a date? Us going to the fair?" Brendon is determined to hold out for a yes or no answer here. He doesn't want any room for confusion or misunderstanding. A duck may mean True Love to Brendon and the rest of the world, but to Bob it might be a sign of (horrors!) platonic brotherly affection or something. Brendon has seen enough soap operas and romantic comedies to know to be leery of gift ducks.

Bob stares at the opposite wall, refusing to meet Brendon's eyes. "Uh. Might've been, yeah. Or, if you'd rather it wasn't, it was just a couple of friends hanging out?" He sounds very nervous and uncomfortable and oh, hey. Brendon hadn't thought to consider that Bob might be just as unsure about Brendon as Brendon is about Bob. Wow. They're kind of really silly sometimes.

"We're kind of really silly sometimes, aren't we?" Brendon says with a smile. He puts Alfred in the corner of the bunk, turning the duck so that he's facing the wall and can't see anything. Then he carefully takes Bob's face and tilts it down so that Bob has to look at him. "Thank you for taking me to the fair, Bob Bryar," Brendon says in his most polite tone, "it was a very nice first date. I'm going to kiss you now, so if you don't want that, you had better say something quick."

Whimpering softly, Bob gulps and licks his lips. Brendon decides to interpret that as a sign that Bob is okay with being kissed, and he leans in, still grinning.

When Brendon bursts through the door of TBTS's bus several hours later, his clothing is significantly disheveled and he has the loose bonelessness of one who has been thoroughly kissed. "Guys, guys! You know how we were saying that fuzzy cute things are kind of played out and we should find something new? Something that would make people take us more seriously? Well, I have had an epiphany!" Brendon grins like a maniac, eyes sparkling as he strikes a pose, one finger pointing to the heavens (or, well, the roof of the bus). "Vampires, dudes," he says. " _Vampires_." The girls stare at him for a moment, slightly startled by both his appearance and his sudden arrival. Then grins mirroring his own break across their faces, even as Haley cackles and rubs her hands together.

Brendon kind of really loves his band.


End file.
